Many people, consciously or unconsciously, settle for marriages that involve mediocre sex. These folks may decide that all of the positives in their relationships outweigh the fact that the sex has never been very exciting, or they may even believe that great sex is not a crucial component of a happy and healthy marriage.
Choosing Between Mediocre Marital Sex And An Affair
Some people continue to believe that a warm, loving and supportive relationship makes up for the lack of passion until they are tempted into an affair and find the great sex that their marriage has been lacking. This can leave someone feeling torn between passionate and exciting sex and the stable relationship that used to feel like enough.
As a result, most people in this position have to make a choice between their commitment to their spouses and the excitement that the extramarital sex has brought to them. Many people convince themselves that they can get away with having both, and put the stability of their marriage and family at risk by continuing to pursue an affair.
Developing and sustaining love and sexual passion in one relationship is a struggle for some people. This is particularly true for people who have an avoidant attachment style or have relatively narcissistic personalities. But separating the two without causing damage to your marriage is extremely difficult to do. Rare couples are able to pull off truly open relationships, as jealousy and insecurity eventually derails this sort of arrangement for most married couples.
However, the choice between your marriage and an affair is not necessarily a choice between great sex and poor or mediocre sex. For people who are willing to put in the work as an individual and as a couple, a disappointing married sex life doesn’t have to stay that way.
For some people, extramarital sex is exciting and satisfying just because it happens outside of marriage. This phenomenon is very common for people with avoidant attachment styles, who feel uncomfortable being truly intimate with people on whom they are dependent. As a result, they may not be fully engaged in their married sex lives, but are able to be more thoroughly engaged and intimate during extramarital encounters.
Individual And Couple’s Therapy Can Improve Your Married Sex Life
A combination of individual counseling and couple’s counseling can help such people overcome their attachment avoidance and become fully engaged in their married sex lives.
Other people have simply never addressed their less-than-satisfying married sex lives. They may believe that it is not really possible to improve a disappointing sex life, or they may have convinced themselves that sex is just not that important to them. They may also feel personally embarrassed by the topic or worry that the topic would make their partners self-conscious.
However, it is almost always possible for couples to improve upon mediocre sex, particularly if both partners approach the process with the right attitude. Sometimes honesty, experimentation and encouragement are all that it takes for a couple to develop a more satisfying sex life, while others may find that some sessions with a certified sex therapist are well worth the time and money.
People who find themselves unwilling or unable to improve their sex lives at home may have to reaffirm or reject the decision that they made before—that their overall rewarding marriages are more valuable than great sex. Those who try to have both by continuing to cheat risk losing everything.