Once they find out that the person was in a committed relationship or married, they can post details of the affairs and even pictures as a way to inform the partners or anyone else who might become involved with this person that he or she is a cheater. All the posts on Cheaterville are anonymous, and the website allows you to plug in any name to check on someone’s cheating history.

The motto of the website is “Don’t be the last to know.”
So how would you like to be the married woman who found her husband’s name on this website? Along with his picture – under a large headline that reads, “Gay, Married, and Looking for Sex on Craigslist?”

That’s what happened to a California woman named Winona Powers.
Her husband’s picture and details of an alleged homosexual affair had been posted on Cheaterville by an anonymous person.

Powers said she was “shocked, angry, and felt betrayed,” even though it was her husband who showed her the post.

“I’m so upset,” she told a television reporter. “We are very private people and we have an honorable marriage.”

Her husband Jared found the post after Googling his name, and now he wants to know who put it up there because the couple is suing that person for damages.

Their lawsuit in federal court alleges that the post is completely false and libelous, and that the couple suffered “severe emotional distress, loss of reputation, and economic damages.”

The Sacramento couple did contact Cheaterville before filing their lawsuit, but were told they would have to hire an independent company at the cost of $200 to remove the post. They did that, but even with the lawsuit, Cheaterville refuses to divulge the name the person who wrote the post.

Cheaterville did provide the Powers with the person’s computer IP address, but it is legally obligated to provide the person’s name as well.
The Powers’ attorney believes that the lawsuit may hold up in court because of an earlier case involving a website called Roomates.com.

The United States 9th Circuit Appeals Court found that Roomates.com was participating in discriminatory activities by asking posters to provide their sexual orientation, marital status, and other information.

Cheaterville’s attorney Marc Randazza said the Roomates decision has nothing to do with the Cheaterville case.

“If these clowns think they’re the first guys to stumble upon the Roomates decision, then I openly mock them,” he told ABC News. ” … The circumstances simply aren’t the same as Roommates. To say that Cheaterville is liable is baseless and stupid.”

Randazza also said that the Powers are just out for money and fame, adding “They will obtain far more notoriety, credence, and permanence as part of a federal lawsuit than they ever could on Cheaterville.”

The Powers insist they have to find out who did this to them, and that they have been living a nightmare since discovering the post on Cheaterville.

“Until we find out who it is, I’m going to be paranoid,” Winona Powers said.

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New research is indicating that online love affairs work differently than conventional face-to-face ones. Online lovers can become more psychologically and emotionally intimate more quickly than people in conventional dating relationships precisely because the relationship is not face-to-face.

People behave and communicate more openly when they cannot see each other face-to-face. For example, an interesting study of college students performed in 1973 found that those who met in darkened rooms were more open to one another and communicated more freely than those who met in rooms brightly lit with fluorescent lights.

According to Dr. Aaron Ben-Ze-ev, author of Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, “Online technology enables having a connection that is faster and more direct,” and yet at the same time, the technology facilitates an open and intimate kind of communication commonly found only in letter-writing.

Because online lovers are unable to see one another, they are more likely to create fantasies and to idealize each other. For a woman who has been in a long-term marriage, having a man who makes her feel beautiful, funny, and desirable can be exhilarating. For a man who thinks his wife is more concerned with his children than him, the online lover who makes him feel interesting and sexy again can quickly become an obsession. Sexual energy also builds up between the two precisely because they cannot physically consummate their relationship, making the affair all the more intense and interesting.

Emailing and texting create what psychologists call the “Cyrano de Bergerac” effect. The person receiving them tends to project all the qualities they want in a lover onto the writer. If my husband is logical and grounded, this new man is romantic and appreciative. If my wife is overweight and boring, my online partner is gorgeous and fascinating. Cheating partners usually tell themselves that this new relationship is everything they have ever been looking for.

The initial stage of love has been compared to drug addiction, and new science does support the premise that “love is a drug.” For example, magnetic resonance technology can show that the brains of infatuated people release certain brain chemicals associated with pleasure and that their strong emotions cause measurable changes in their brains. And when you break up with someone, your brain registers it the same way it registers physical pain.

Exhilaration? Discovery? Infatuation? Obsession? Getting hit by a ton of bricks? A long-term marriage cannot compete with it until the unfaithful partner realizes that the kind of love he or she is looking for is the lifetime caring and sharing that happily married people understand.

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1. Sex is my most important need.

In other words, “I can’t help it. I’m biologically programmed to sow my wild oats.” When someone (typically a man) can’t figure out what it is that drives them to cheat, the “primitive instinct to sleep with as many women as possible” argument often surfaces. But this excuse flies out the window in the face of research that shows more men are monogamous than not and that men, in particular, are happier and healthier when married.

The reality is that, like all decisions, choosing to be in a relationship involves trade-offs. When you choose a committed relationship, you’ve decided that love and companionship are more important than having sex with a cadre of different people. It can be difficult to accept, but in this area, you can’t “have it all.”

2. My partner let himself/herself go.

When we first start dating someone, we fall in love with certain characteristics. For some, it’s looks; for others, it’s their beloved’s sharp wit or the way the other person makes them feel. But everyone is on their best behavior during the courtship phase, investing time into looking good and ever-so-politely hiding their flaws.

Over time, the things that originally attracted us to the other person may begin to fade. She may gain weight or stop dressing up. He may skimp on the romance or stop helping out at home. Rather than looking for positives, we begin focusing on negatives. And in some cases, the other person has, in fact, changed, or they never really knew their partner or perhaps believed they would change.

In many relationships, the early attractors are replaced with deeper connections and discoveries of even more desirable characteristics that went unnoticed in the courtship phase. In others, the original attractors remain extremely important, and the couple may agree that effort needs to be made to maintain those areas.

3. My emotional needs aren’t being met.

Some men and women become unfaithful because they don’t feel that their partner is meeting their emotional needs. Men may complain about their nagging “ball and chain” while women may feel unheard and uncared for.

Some of the most commonly expressed needs of men include sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attraction, domestic support, and admiration or appreciation. Women’s needs differ in many ways and commonly include affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment.

While it is important for each partner to work on meeting the other’s needs, this lack of understanding and connection often stems from a lack of effort, unwillingness to work on the relationship, fear of intimacy, or another problem that could be remedied with couples counseling.

4. The “other man” or “other woman” makes me feel good.

An extension of the “not getting my needs met” excuse, some people find that new love interest has the time, energy, and motivation to make them feel good again. The new beau listens while the husband watches TV. The new mistress dresses sexy and makes him feel desired while the wife is disgusted by his advances.

Low self-esteem may drive some people to derive their self-worth from the attention of others. After years of marriage, men and women may seek affirmation that they’re still attractive and worthy of love. Rather than addressing the real issues, some find it easier and more immediately rewarding to look outside the relationship.

5. I married the wrong person.

Over time, people may begin to feel that the person they’ve vowed to love, honor, and cherish was the wrong choice. They may feel they married too young or didn’t get to experiment with enough relationships to make an educated choice of life partner.

6. I am not in love with my partner anymore.

The demands of raising a family, owning a home, and working demanding jobs can take the romance out of a relationship. As a result, each spouse may feel under-appreciated and neglected and complain that the relationship “isn’t like it used to be.” A failure to communicate and connect often leads to problems in the bedroom and even greater emotional distance.

These couples may have gone their separate ways but still live together like brother and sister rather than husband and wife. Over time, they find that they have more in common with others than they do with their significant other. When these couples end up in therapy, the cheater often claims the relationship was over long before they strayed.

Making an effort to reignite the romance is essential for some couples. Being unhappy in the relationship makes both partners vulnerable to infidelity. For others, specifically, those who are addicted to the “in love” feeling of courtship, marital bliss requires establishing realistic expectations and exploring deep emotional issues such as romance addiction.

7. I’m bored.

While some people take comfort in feeling “settled down,” seeing the same person day after day can get boring for others, particularly those who are “programmed” for impulsive, thrill-seeking behavior. These individuals believe an affair will make their lives more exciting and may even think that an affair will help the marriage.

For some, the answer to boredom is keeping their sex life steamy or reconnecting in other ways. For others, it may mean finding hobbies, activities, or friends that breathe an air of excitement into life. Still, others may find that underneath the boredom is loneliness, anger, or fear that must be addressed to keep them from straying.

8. It’s not love; it’s just sex.

Some people believe that cheating is acceptable if it’s purely about sex. They want the doting spouse at home and the naughty sex toy on the side. But “I don’t love her” doesn’t excuse betraying someone you love. Whether it’s sex, love, or something else, it hurts the person who matters most and can result in consequences that neither partner wants.

9. I have a stronger sex drive than my partner.

This is an obstacle in many relationships, given that men frequently have a stronger sex drive than women. When a partner doesn’t have the same interest in sex or isn’t interested in the same types of sexual activities as the other, one partner may feel entitled to indulge their fantasies elsewhere. As with other problems, there are healthier ways to resolve this issue than cheating, such as identifying the reasons a partner is uninterested (e.g., underlying emotional issues or something as simple as needing a babysitter) and exploring new ways to get a partner interested in sex.

10. Technology makes it so easy.

In the old days, cheating required late-night phone calls and creative excuses to be away from home. The Internet, smartphone apps, cell phones, and adultery websites like Ashley Madison make flirting and cybersex as easy as the click of a mouse. Most people engage in these behaviors with the expectation of ultimately meeting in person, but even those who keep their sexcapades online have breached their relationship contract and committed an act of infidelity.

The list of excuses continues forever. Whatever the explanation, it is clear that something is driving a partner to cheat. And while it’s never the non-cheater’s fault that a partner selfishly chooses to stray, understanding the reasons may help mend the relationship or allow both parties to move on. In certain instances, the cause is due to an intimacy problem or underlying relationship, love or sex addiction that can address in couples therapy if both parties are willing and able.

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These new avenues for connecting with the opposite sex have led some experts to find new ways to categorize behaviors that look a lot like cheating but don’t involve personal contact. Rather than viewing online unfaithfulness the same as traditional affairs, some experts are using terms like “cyber infidelity” or “virtual affair.”

While news stories have chronicled the charades of prominent politicians that engage in sexting and other types of cyber infidelity, the widespread use of social media and mobile devices puts everyone at risk for potential temptation.

A 2010 survey found that Facebook was the main site used to point to evidence of an affair, with MySpace and Twitter at a distant second and third for proof of straying. Experts point out that virtual affairs are not just a case of men fooling around when their wives are not looking. The public perception of cyber infidelity has been colored by the high profile men that have been caught misbehaving. As with any affair, it takes two.

Some signs that a spouse could be engaging in an online affair include quickly changing computer desktop windows or clicking off a phone when someone walks in the room. Computer login passwords could also mean that secrets are being kept. Another possible sign of a cyber affair is a spouse that spends more time online than engaging with family.

A cyber cheating spouse may also answer text messages compulsively.
As with any affair, a spouse that is involved in a virtual affair may suddenly become much nicer to assuage their guilt. However, a suddenly surly spouse may be one that is attempting to justify their behavior by spurring their partner to anger.

An individual that discovers that their spouse is engaged in a virtual affair should seek out the help of a therapist immediately. Finding evidence of cyber infidelity can be difficult to navigate, but many marriages may weather the storm. It is up to each couple to discuss the topic and determine how cheating is defined, and what level of misbehavior can still result in reconciliation.

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Is Online Flirting Cheating?

The answer to this question, and it’s very natural to be asking it, is complicated. You will get different answers depending on who you ask. It also depends on the extent of the online flirting and how you feel about emotional infidelity as compared to sexual infidelity.

If you ask your best friend, she might tell you that he is a no-good cheater and that you should leave him. You ask your mother, and she is more generous or maybe old-fashioned. She says it can’t possibly be adultery if your husband isn’t meeting women in person.

You Decide When It’s Infidelity

The real answer is your answer. Do you think that your online cheating spouse has gone too far? Do you feel betrayed and hurt? Is it impossible to imagine doing the same to him without feeling completely guilty? If you answer yes to these questions, you can probably consider your spouse to be cheating with his online activities. Everyone will have different answers and different limits for what is considered cheating, whether that is online or not. You have to set your own boundaries, and then you need to confront your spouse and let him know what you think.

Are You Suspicious?

This is an important question. If your husband has been going onto social media and messaging old girlfriends, he may not think it’s a big deal. In his mind, he may be reconnecting with old friends. He thinks his actions are harmless and fun. Before you impulsively decide to leave him, have a talk and get on the same page. If he loves and respects you, your husband will take your concerns seriously, even if he disagrees with the boundaries you set.

Flirting online is tempting to do. You have anonymity in many situations, which allows people to let down their guard and say things they wouldn’t otherwise — sometimes, being online means a chance to connect with old friends and old flames. In these situations, flirting may just seem natural, and it very well may be harmless, as flirting in the real world often is. When you should be more concerned is when your spouse develops an emotional relationship with someone online. As soon as his flirting or connection to someone else makes you feel upset and uncomfortable, call it cheating or not, but it should stop.

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Learn more about how cheaters keep on cheating:

If It Starts With Cheating, It Will End With Cheating

This is not a definite guarantee, but researchers have studied relationships that got off on the wrong foot, to put it delicately, and they rarely end well. The study included relationships that began with what the researchers call “poaching.” This means one of the partners in the relationship was poached by the other from a different relationship. In other words, the relationship began with an affair.

The researchers surveyed over 100 people in romantic relationships. Some were in relationships that started off normally. Others were in relationships in which one partner had been poached. Those in the latter type of relationship had less satisfaction over time. They also felt less committed to the relationship over time. They may have started out feeling good about the partnership, but that feeling deteriorated over several weeks when compared to the individuals in relationships that did not start with cheating.

The partner in the relationship who was poached can be called the cheater. This is the person who strayed from his or her relationship and formed a new one. The cheaters in the survey reported as the weeks went on, feeling more and more drawn to alternatives. In other words, they were tempted to stray again and look for a new romantic partner.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater

Other studies have found similar results and illustrate that the famous cliché often rings true. Research from the University of Denver found that a person who cheats in a relationship is three-and-a-half times more likely than someone who has never cheated to commit infidelity again in another relationship. Many would say that this is obvious, and perhaps a more interesting fact from the study is about the cheated-on partner. Someone who has been betrayed is more likely to experience infidelity again in another relationship. The experience of infidelity becomes a risk factor for infidelity.

Can We Learn From Our Mistakes?

With such clear evidence that cheating perpetuates cheating, it would seem that we could become enlightened and make a choice to not engage in cheating or to not be victimized by infidelity. This is easier said than done. Neither study can explain why cheaters keep cheating or why victims keep getting betrayed. Is it something in the inherent nature of each person? Are they naturally drawn to each other? Is there something about the act of infidelity that keeps a person coming back for more?

We do not have answers to these questions, but we do know that not every incidence of cheating leads to more infidelity. It is certainly possible to recover from infidelity and to either repair the existing relationship or to find a new, more satisfying one. It may be that there are two types of cheaters: the serial cheater and the one who makes a mistake regrets it, and makes amends. The important thing to remember is that you have the power to refuse to cheat again or to refuse to put up with infidelity.

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Every couple has their own idea of the definition of unfaithfulness or infidelity is. Sometimes they have even had conversations about it to reach an agreement. The question remains whether flirtatious or even sexual emails with people other than your committed partner is considered cheating?

We are living in a time which constantly changes with technology. While things like phone sex and dirty emails have been around for a while, now we are beginning to see forms of virtual sex.

Some believe pornography is a type of cheating even though there is not an actual person engaging the viewer. The actors are not aware of who is watching, so it is one-sided. The near future is sure to bring more virtual and realistic sexual experiences.

Virtual reality (VR), along with sexting or phone sex, may not get your partner pregnant, but it will be so realistic that it will be extremely close to having completely safe sex with a stranger. This could be a harmful encounter for many, especially those who are addicted to sex and use this encounter to continue their addictive behavior.

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Why Do Men Cheat

1. The Internet makes it so easy. While cheating has always been around, more men are likely to engage in it today because it’s easier to get away with it. With common cheating websites designed specifically to help people have affairs, with social media connecting old partners and with porn and chat rooms so available, some men just can’t resist their urges when technology makes it so easy.
2. He’s addicted to drugs or alcohol. Are men more likely to cheat while on drugs? Absolutely, the answer is yes. Anyone in the thrall of addiction is likely to make choices they wouldn’t otherwise. Abusing substances is an escape, and so is having an affair. The two go hand-in-hand.
3. He wasn’t ready to commit. It’s not unusual for a man to get into a committed relationship or even to get married before he’s really ready. Not being prepared for everything that comes with commitment and monogamy is a sign of immaturity, but it’s not always so easy to spot. Sometimes the man himself really thinks he is mature enough for the relationship, but he turns out to be wrong.
4. Sex addiction isn’t always an excuse. Being addicted to sex is a popular excuse used by cheaters when they’re caught, but sometimes it’s real. Sex addiction is valid, although it isn’t really that common. A classic sign of infidelity as an addiction is that the man continues to cheat in spite of serious and negative consequences.
5. Childhood examples. How we are raised and what we experience as children are powerful influences over how we act as adults. Often for unfaithful men, childhood experiences taught them that cheating was normal. They follow the examples they were given by their adult role models.

Moving Forward – Either Together Or Apart

Why men cheat can be complicated and highly individualized, but there are some commonalities and generalizations that can be made.

If you’ve been hurt by a cheating spouse or partner, understanding why he did it won’t fix the hurt and the loss of trust, but it is a step in the right direction. Hopefully, you will explore these reasons in therapy together.

If you are both committed to moving forward, working with a professional is a must.

If you are going your separate ways, it can still be helpful to work with a therapist so that you can learn to heal and be ready to trust and love again.

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And now the cycle starts all over. 

He tells you she didn’t mean anything; it was a mistake, it will never happen again. You watch over his shoulder as he deletes her from his cell phone, his e-mail, and his social media contacts. He professes his love for you and begs you to stay with him.

If you’re single, your friends urge you not to take him back. If you’re married, they tell you to get a lawyer. You don’t know if you can get past another betrayal, but you don’t know if you can be without him. You wish someone could tell you: will he ever stop cheating?

There is no crystal ball that can answer that question. But there are signs that indicate that he’s serious about changing his behaviors.

Signs That He’s Serious About Stopping His Cheating

In order for you to decide if your relationship is worth keeping, he needs to agree to one or more of the following:

Therapy

Your partner might benefit from individual and group therapy with a trained or certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT), and you could both benefit from couples therapy to determine if the relationship is salvageable.

Disclosure

One of the absolute worst things about finding out your partner has cheated when you don’t get the full story initially so that every added revelation is a new injury. Because they’re never sure if they’ve heard the whole truth, partners perseverate on what the cheater might have done and get into a destructive pattern of interrogation.

Couples therapy aims to disrupt that process by facilitating a structured disclosure in which the cheater lists all of his sexual acting-out behaviors at one time. The partner then has the opportunity to ask questions and express hurt and betrayal in a supportive, contained environment.

Once a full disclosure has been made (and energy is not being spent on keeping secrets and/or trying to dig them up), the partners can negotiate a plan for moving forward in integrity — whether separately or apart.

12-Step Programs

Persistent betrayals may indicate underlying sex and love addiction. Your partner is not going to be able to give up cheating on his own, just as an alcoholic cannot give up drinking without the support of a 12-step program. Your therapist will be able to recommend support groups in your area, or you can find meetings listed online.

What You Need To Do After Someone Has Cheated On You

Let your partner’s therapist handle his treatment. Your job is to heal yourself, and to do that, you need to figure out why you are choosing to be with someone who isn’t fully committed to you.

Some partners end up with cheaters because of unresolved family-of-origin issues. If they grew up with a family member who was an addict, they probably learned to walk on eggshells and keep secrets. Because the family system was steeped in denial, partners never learned to trust their feelings or reality. And because the house likely revolved around the addict, the partner learned to put her needs on the back burner and to settle for crumbs in her adult romantic relationships.

There are a variety of options for support, including individual therapy, 12-step programs, and bibliotherapy to address partner relational trauma.

You’ll never know if he’ll cheat again, so it’s best to focus on what you can control: the kind of relationship you want, both with a partner and with yourself.

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A private investigator or PI can tell you once and for all if your partner is cheating. They work smarter and faster than ever because they now have access to extremely complex and effective high-tech spy equipment. They can record conversations and take videos and pictures from great distances, break into email accounts and chatroom records, record telephone conversations, track vehicles, and run identity checks on the “other person.” Most PIs get their training in the military or law enforcement, and some actually specialize in “spousal surveillance.”

Private detectives can be affordable depending on what you want. PIs are usually paid by the hour plus mileage so internet surveillance is cheaper than hiring an agent to follow your partner and record what he or she is doing. Usually, the more information you can provide about your partner’s habits, the faster he can complete the job for you.

It is critical to hire a PI who’s licensed in your state, because this area of expertise often involves a “gray area” of the law. The person you hire should be ethical, discreet and professional.

Online Cheating and Private Investigators

Private detectives have access to specialized computer databases unavailable to the public that enables them to gather background information on anyone in the world. They also use specialized equipment to find out if a partner is using pornography, “singles” websites, or having online sex. For example, one device captures and records everything a person types into a computer, including emails, chatroom conversations, instant messages, and web searches. 

It is also possible to find out if your partner has registered on websites as unmarried or unattached and if he or she has posted profiles to find “dates” or “hook-ups” through certain other kinds of computer forensics. Laws vary from state to state about the legality of going into password-protected computers and other such things, so every investigation, therefore, is unique.

Physical Cheating and Private Investigators

“Domestic surveillance” is the term PIs use for gathering information on cheating spouses, girlfriends, or boyfriends. PIs typically can “open up” bank statements to find out if a partner has paid for dinner for two during a business trip, bought lingerie, jewelry, or other gifts for the “other person,” or is otherwise spending money on an affair.

A suspicious spouse can legally place surveillance equipment in his or her own bedroom or tap his or her own phone. Today’s high-tech hidden cameras can resemble clock radios or other common household items. One spy camera goes behind the ventilated screen in a gym bag, enabling it to be moved from room to room as necessary.

Sometimes PIs will follow cheaters in automobiles and then park across the street from hotels or homes to take pictures and record conversations of what is happening in bedrooms. They also frequently follow subjects and record meetings in airports, restaurants, nightclubs, and offices. PIs can also find out the identity of the person who is always hanging up every time a spouse answers a phone. Having this kind of inconvertible evidence can often increase monetary settlements during divorce proceedings.

If you really suspect your spouse of cheating, there is one last thing you should know about hiring a private detective. Finding out “for sure” is devastating for most people, and once you have the information, there is no going back.

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