In a relationship with a sex addict, both people suffer. With the presence of sex addiction, there is a strong chance that other compulsive behaviors exist as well—problems like drug or alcohol dependence, compulsive shopping, restrictive or overeating, or OCD. These issues create a tense dynamic for the relationship, which is then amplified with the presence of children.

Sex addiction and its attendant difficulties directly impact a couple’s ability to connect. This is because sex addiction is, in truth, an intimacy disorder. Researchers and clinicians see many sex addicts who experienced trauma or histories of abuse or neglect in early life, which may have created attachment disorders or other attachment styles that prevent an individual from sustaining intimate bonds. Sex addicts tend to have a very low tolerance for feelings of vulnerability, and while their behavior may suggest that they don’t care, they are often terrified of being rejected or abandoned.

Strategies For Coping In A Sex Addicted Partnership

The following advice and strategies can help anyone who’s in a relationship with a sex addict. Remember, you are not alone.

Understand, First And Foremost, That His Sex Addiction Is Not About You

You don’t lack anything. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did not make him become an addict. If your partner has ever indicated that his compulsive sexual straying or his pornography addiction occurs because of something he believes you lack, do not believe him. When engaging his addiction, an addict looks for any and all means of shirking accountability. Creating just a little bit of blame and doubt in you allows his addiction to continue on, unabated. 

If you have these feelings on your own, understand that you’re not alone. It’s natural for the partners of addicts to blame themselves or to worry they may have pushed their partners toward their compulsions, but this is never the case. An addict uses it for many reasons, all of which need to be explored in treatment, and none of which are a result of something a spouse or partner may “lack.”

Recognize That You Are Neither Responsible For His Behavior, Nor For His Treatment Outcomes

It can be tempting for partners to take on the job of trying to make the addict better—to do all the research on the addiction, to insist on therapy, and to be the one who struggles over whether progress is being made. Resist this temptation. Your responsibility in this partnership is on seeing to your own health and wellness and on learning what you can about addiction, co-addiction, and codependence and how these dynamics may be arising in your relationship. 

Be Willing To Seek Your Own Treatment

Addiction is not merely a personal problem; it is a relationship problem, as well as a family problem. Spouses and partners of addicts tend to internalize feelings of guilt and shame and deal with feelings of anger, fear, confusion, and depression. Counseling provides partners important coping strategies in dealing with painful emotions and may help facilitate therapeutic insights about your relationship and about you. Organizations like COSA (Codependent Partners of Sex Addicts) offer the support of the community, a group of like-minded men and women.

Discovering that your partner struggles with sexual addiction are incredibly painful. You may decide that this experience is not something your relationship can survive, or you may, like many couples, come through it with an even deeper connection and a resolve toward greater connection and intimacy. This takes hard work, of course, and can only happen if both you and your partner commit to recovery. It is possible, however, and that’s important to recognize. No matter your decision, focus on your own healing.

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For people who are at risk of sex addiction or infidelity, social media has become a huge temptation. Hiding behind a computer screen, they feel that their relationship is secret to everyone but themselves and their lover. 

This false secrecy has put their current relationship in jeopardy and placed them in a fictitious world where they can escape all things undesirable. Through rehabilitation professionals, people who are addicted to this relationship-damaging behavior can find some help.

Meet Me in Cyberspace

Computers, tablets and smart phones are within reach of most Americans throughout most or all of the day. The researchers in the study say that the ease of using the Internet and its speed in sending love letters or photos makes it tempting to carry on secret affairs.

When couples meet in cyberspace they don’t have to explain where they’re going or worry about who will see them. They are immediately at their destination and carrying on with their partner without having to leave their home or office. Time, place and transportation are all worries that have been set aside. 

In fact, some people carry on illicit conversations while their partner is sitting just across the room. Connecting with old flames has never been easier. And friends of friends on Facebook may spark a new or an old interest.

Multiple Identities Create Multiple Problems

The ease of creating multiple e-mail, Facebook and Twitter accounts makes it more tempting for partners to consider, initiate or respond to an illicit relationship. Multiple accounts can allow a person to indulge in multiple personalities. Information, including pictures of the person, can even be fictitious. 

Most people in the survey admitted they using fake accounts so they could list their status as single. Others said they just wanted a place where they could talk privately with their illicit partner.

Multiple identities create multiple fictitious stories. For some people, this behavior can pull them into a world of lies that comes crashing down.

Not So Secret

Some people feel they’re safely hidden behind a computer screen and that no one could possibly know of their secret worlds, but the study found otherwise. Half of the 2,400 people in the survey said their partner found out about their infidelities, wither when accounts are accidentally left open or a spouse walks by and notices a message that looks suspicious. 

Cell phones that are left on the counter are also full of sent and received mail that can be accessed by a suspicious spouse, or even a child who innocently wants to just play with a game on the phone.

Rehabilitation services can help cheaters break out of their secret world and find honest grounding through their family. Infidelity does not have to mean separation and divorce. Through the help of specialists, individuals with addictions or obsessions can recover and families can heal.

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Currently, it depends on whom you ask. The courts in Canada, for example, have ruled that cyber-infidelity, if it is entirely virtual and does not include real-life sexual encounters, does not meet the legal definition of adultery and cannot be used as a legit reason for immediate divorce. Canadians who want to divorce a partner who has had a virtual affair need to live apart from their partner for one year before they will be granted a legal divorce.

Differing Opinions on Infidelity

Courts are not the only source of disagreement on whether cyber cheating is “real” infidelity. Even people who have online sexual encounters do not all agree about whether their actions mean they are cheating on their partner. One study found that around 65 percent of people having cybersex did not consider themselves unfaithful, while 40 percent admitted to believing that they were cheating.

The people whose partners have had online affairs tend to have much more uniform views on the subject. The majority of them agree that the emotional impact of a partner’s cyber infidelity is similar to “in real life” cheating and is morally wrong.

Some people who engage in cybersex outside their relationship argue that such acts not only don’t qualify as cheating but also actually help them to stay faithful by adding excitement and diversity to their sex life. However, more than one survey has found that cyber infidelity leads to real-life infidelity a very high percentage of the time. This is not true in every case, but people whose partners argue that cybersex is not a danger to their relationship should be wary of the statistics.

The Evolution of Cybersex

As the nature of cybersex continues to evolve and expand, it may begin to achieve greater legal standing in more places. Gone are the days when online cheating was limited to flirting in chat rooms, and the term “sexting” had yet to be coined. Modern cyber cheaters can send and receive explicit pictures, have virtual sex using avatars in online role-playing games, engage with online sexual partners through video streaming, and even use “teledildonics” to sync sexual stimulation devices to the actions of other real people.

Technology is almost certainly going to continue to evolve so that “virtual” sexual encounters become more and more like the real thing. As this happens, it will almost certainly force institutions that have so far dismissed cybersex for reevaluating its standing under divorce law.

Other Consequences of Virtual Affairs

Just because cyber-infidelity is not considered legal grounds for divorce in many places does not necessarily mean that the party who engages in cybersex will come out even in divorce proceedings. Some couples include cybersex in prenuptial agreements, and violating that agreement can mean serious financial penalties. Cyber infidelity can also be taken into account when it comes to granting custody of any children. Even if a court did not consider cyber cheating legal grounds for divorce, a history of cyber cheating might help to convince the court to give full or majority custody to the parent who was cheated on.

Ultimately, people who are victims of cyber infidelity let a legal definition determine their response. Those who feel betrayed and devastated by cyber cheating or believe that their partner’s behavior crossed a line should feel justified in responding as strongly as any other person whose partner had an affair.

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The cyber world has greatly expanded the possibilities of human interaction, and at the same time, it has complicated our understanding of infidelity. People whose partners engage in an online affair may feel not only hurt and betrayed but also unsure whether they are justified in being so upset.

In truth, research and expert opinions consistently suggest that online infidelity and in-person fidelity have similar consequences for individuals and relationships. Internet cheating causes the cheated-on partner to experience similar levels of emotional distress and is equally likely to result in the break-up of a relationship.

In a recent article, clinical psychologist Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D., states that in his experience, “There is little difference between the two types of infidelity in terms of their impact on relationships. In both cases, trust is broken.”

Study Confirms Emotional Impact of Online Cheating

This opinion is borne out by a 2013 study from Texas Tech University on Facebook infidelity. This research, carried out by doctoral candidates Jaclyn Cravens and Kaitlin Leckie with the assistance of marriage and family therapy associate professor Jason Whiting, used data gathered from Facebookcheating.com in order to evaluate the real-life impact of cyber infidelity.

Facebookcheating.com is a website where people can share stories and ask for advice about their experiences with a partner’s Facebook infidelity. Cravens and her fellow researchers used the data gathered from this website to create a five-stage process model of the typical coping process for people who have discovered that their partners have been unfaithful.

The five stages outlined by the Texas Tech team were (1) noticing warning signs, (2) discovering infidelity, (3) damage appraisal, (4) acting on appraisal, and (5) making a relationship decision. These stages appeared to be unique to the experience of online infidelity, particularly when it came to the complexity of step three, during which partners determine how serious a violation of the trust the online infidelity represents.

However, the Texas Tech team found no ultimate difference when it came to the overall emotional impact of Facebook cheating. People whose partners cheated online experienced equally strong emotional responses to the betrayal. These individuals typically felt shocked, anger, hurt, and lost trust in their partners.

Standing By Your Own Feelings About a Partner’s Online Activity

Individuals and relationships are all unique. The behavior that individuals consider to be acceptable, as well as the boundaries that have been set for relationships, are never exactly the same.

This lack of definitive and universal rules can make it more difficult to come to a firm decision and feel justified in that decision when deciding that a partner betrayed you. The relative newness of the Internet world and the many different kinds of Internet interaction only add confusion to the matter.

However, this subjectivity also means that your feelings about and respond to any form of cheating are just as legitimate as anyone else’s. The well-worn excuse that an affair “only” happened online should not make you feel that your shock, anger, and other emotions that accompany a betrayal of trust are not justified. As a professor of psychology, Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., states in her own article about Internet infidelity, “Just because the cheating takes place online doesn’t mean it’s any less painful.”

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According to Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S, internationally known author, educator, sex addiction specialist, and founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles, “evolving sexnologies are about to make sexting nude pictures to strangers as old-school as passing around last month’s Playboy.”

The Virtual Sex Revolution Begins

Virtual sex is no longer considered some far-fetched technology of the future. Although still young in its evolution, virtual sex is here – and it’s being mass-produced and marketed to average middle-class Americans.
No longer relegated to porn conventions or science labs, Internet-enabled sex toys have also made their way into popular media. The tech nerds on the hit TV show “Big Bang Theory” have already explored the use of video chat and virtual sex using a device that simulates kissing to keep alive a long-distance relationship.

Though shocking and uproariously funny, the show isn’t that far off reality. Designer Fabian Hemmert of the Berlin University of the Arts has crafted three prototypes for phones that breathe life into the idea of “making out” at a distance. One device straps on and tightens like a hand squeeze on command, while another mimics breathing when the person on the other end exhales into their phone.

There’s also a phone that can simulate kissing using a “wet sponge pushing against a membrane.” Reports indicate that the phone can even differentiate between a quick smooch and a deep, passionate kiss.

Taking virtual sex to the next level, there are also devices designed to “go all the way.” The RealTouch, which was developed by a former NASA engineer, promises realistic, hands-free sexual experiences for men with a “line-up of willing partners, who are always ready when you are,” according to the website.

After inserting the penis into a snug-fitting circular device, users watch an X-rated video which is synchronized in real-time with the RealTouch’s movements, heating elements, and lubrication mechanism. Everything about the device, including its faux-flesh material, is designed with men’s sexual pleasure in mind.

RealTouch also offers real-life experiences through live chat online. With a computer and camera, users connect with people all over the world for virtual sexscapades. At a price of $150 (and movies that cost $1 per minute), the device is being widely marketed to men of all ages, backgrounds, and income levels.

Even the Nintendo Wii, the maker of popular interactive video games, has gotten in on the adult sex toy business. Available for his and her pleasure are two rods, one is resembling a women’s vibrator and another with a ring designed to fit over the penis. Connecting these “Wii-motes” to specific hardware, motions detected on one Wii-mote are transmitted via Bluetooth to a nearby computer, sent over the Internet, and reproduced by the other Wii-mote. In this way, one user “feels” the physical stimulation provided by the other in real-time. These devices are available online for about $300.

Fast-Forward to Virtual Sex of the Future

Given the high demand – and lucrative profits – for virtual sex technologies, we can expect more sophisticated devices to hit the market in the next decade.

“Using a bit of imagination by picturing the near full or partial bodysuits yet to come, individually sized and shaped to fit both in and outside our genitalia, you’ll get the idea of what virtual sex is about to offer,” says Weiss.

Hotels are cashing in on the business of virtual sex as well. The hotel chain commissioned to engineer and futurologist Ian Pearson to evaluate how services of the future may differ from those available now.

According to Pearson, by 2030, people will be able to wear lenses to change how their partner looks while making love – even without their knowledge. Clients will be able to beam their partners into bed and make love to them remotely. Hotel sheets and sleepwear will have special fibers that produce sensory responses, allowing clients to “feel” the sensations of sex.

The Downside of Virtual Sexuality

On the plus side, some of these technologies have the potential to spice up blah marriages, strengthen the intimacy of long-distance relationships, and extend the opportunity for sexual stimulation to busy single moms and dads, widows, people with certain physical handicaps, and perhaps those men and women in uniform who spend long periods of time far away from those they love. Virtual sex toys also allow people to explore their sexuality with multiple partners without the risk of contracting an STD or the complication of an unwanted relationship or pregnancy. There are also likely to be useful applications for these devices in sex education and couples therapy.

For all of the potential benefits, there are also some serious concerns. The easy accessibility and novelty of having virtual sex with an unlimited number of prospective partners, along with an explosion of online porn, virtual chats, and smartphone sex apps, has compromised some people’s ability to forge genuine connections with others. Virtual sex also presents unique challenges to those in committed relationships.

Like pornography, sexting, and smartphone apps, virtual sex is not inherently “bad.” The problems show up when those with impulsive, compulsive, and addictive sexual disorders get hold of these novel sexual experiences.

“Neither infidelity nor sexual addiction is new,” explains Weiss. “What has changed is that access to sexual content and sexual experiences have become immediate, anonymous, and – once online – free, so problems tend to show up more readily. If everyone had cocaine in their medicine cabinets, we’d see more problems with cocaine. Likewise, being able to access and participate in sexual experiences online, with just a few clicks of the mouse, makes it easier to act on impulses and lose control.”

We can only hope that virtual sex ends up being a fun, entertaining, and empowering alternative to traditional in-person sex, potentially leading to greater openness and satisfaction in the bedroom, especially for long-distance couples. But for some, these technologies can become an obstacle to intimacy in real-life relationships. Addictive abuse of porn and sexual hook-ups are also a sign of underlying emotional health concerns.

“Virtual sex becomes a problem if it interferes with an individual’s goals and/or belief systems,” says Weiss. “If the user loses control over their impulses or continues to use virtual sex technologies despite them causing negative life consequences, they may be struggling with love, relationship or sex addiction.”

New virtual sex devices are constantly hitting the market, each one promising a more realistic erotic experience than the last. Could virtual sex someday replace the real deal? Will chat roulette replace dating, or monogamy become an old-fashioned and outdated ideal? Not one person can say with certainty, but we can hold out hope that whatever “advancements” are made will enrich our lives rather than taking us down a dark and lonely – albeit stimulating – path.

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It probably isn’t a surprise to learn that clinicians, not just the general public, recognize that a large number of sex addicts behave in fairly narcissistic ways. What may be surprising, however, is that narcissism is not actually an indication that a person experiences an authentic sense of self-worth. Instead, narcissism is a defense mechanism protecting the ego from underlying insecurity. Underneath all the grandstanding, narcissists are terrified of inadequacy.

Sex Addicts Use Narcissism To Escape Feelings Of Shame

There’s an old-timer saying in AA: “You can’t get sober if you’re too smart, too rich, or too good-looking.” The reason is that being “too” smart/rich/attractive, or really “too” exceptional (literally: with exceptions) of any variety creates psychological permission an addict can pretend to have.

A narcissist can believe he is too good for the rules other people play by in order to have functional lives and thereby trick himself into thinking he deserves his acting-out behaviors. If anonymous sex is his particular addictive tendency, he may tell himself the women or men he sleeps with are blessed to have the honor. He will do this in order to continue feeding his addiction, but most importantly, to minimize the shame that comes afterward.

Narcissism Encourages The Sex Addict

As sex addiction expert and clinician Linda Hatch, Ph.D., writes:

“Sex addicts use narcissistic beliefs to experience a sense of control and therefore emotional safety, since the prospect of genuine intimacy causes them to feel too vulnerable and therefore out of control, their worst fear. This is true because, more than anything, the narcissist-sex addict fears rejection and abandonment.

In truth, all sex addicts feel this way because sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Narcissistic sex addicts have merely found an extra way to cope with their fears of intimacy—by not only using addictive sex to self-medicate but by creating a belief in their own superiority. If they’re better than everyone else, they are untouchable; they are impervious to rejection.

Recovery For The Narcissistic Sex Addict

The problem for narcissist sex addicts is that sex addiction itself tends to create life dysfunction, and the dysfunction tends to escalate over time as acting out behaviors become more extreme. As the behaviors amp up, so does the addict’s narcissism. And both of these things are life and relationship WMDs.

People who rate high in narcissistic traits tend to also rate high in depressive tendencies, and it is usually for this reason that they find their way into therapy. Their narcissism—the behavioral and personality traits that most severely impact their lives—is more notoriously hard to treat.

While many sex addicts find their way into the rooms or onto their own paths of recovery, the narcissism that fed their addictions often remains and threatens their recovery. But it can be treated. Clinicians who are able to express empathy and compassion for the addict’s person and path, and show a greater understanding of their client’s deeper nature, are most successful.

In the end, we are all essentially the same: people require care, compassion, and commitment, even when we are unable—just yet—to give it.

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Social scientists who study people who cheat on their partners actually confirm this common-sense view of infidelity. A cluster of personality traits like selfishness and lack of feeling for others together make up a personality disorder called “narcissism.” While not everyone who cheats is a narcissist, people with those traits are more likely to be unfaithful and enter into a series of short-term relationships with the opposite sex.

A narcissist lover works something like a flashlight battery. The light is beautiful, but it burns out fast. The average narcissist, according to a study from the University of Alabama, has relationships that turn sour after about four months. The thing is that they are so good at first impressions that they can quickly find another relationship to replace it.

Narcissists tend to be physically more attractive than average, and they have great self-esteem. They dress well and carefully groom themselves. Female narcissists prefer sexy clothing. They were more popular in school than most students. Male narcissists (and there are more narcissistic men than women) tend to brag, be witty and talk in loud voices, but both sexes dominate conversations and act bored when others are talking.

Narcissists make great first impressions because they tend to more attractive, intelligent, and charismatic than others and because they know how to manipulate other people. They walk into a party and immediately “own” the room.

Narcissists see other people as objects they use to further their self-interest. And they are only interested in themselves and their goals, most often to be unrealistically successful, rich, and famous. They make friendships based on what the other person has that benefits them — they prefer people who are wealthy, beautiful, well-connected, etc. They use their charm and intelligence to get what they want and drop those who are no longer useful to them.

Narcissists tend to be jealous lovers. They over-react, usually by getting angry, if a partner criticizes them or shows too much independence. They need you to constantly admire them. As your relationship starts to mature and you start treating them in a normal way, they move on to someone who will worship them. They are actually more likely to cheat when they believe a partner is committed to them.

Dr. Jonason of the University of South Alabama and certain other psychologists believe that narcissism may be a “sexual style” that evolved over time as a way of successfully ensuring a variety of fertile sexual partners.

Dr. Robert Emmons was the first to write about the paradox of narcissism, which is that although a narcissist devalues other people, he desperately needs them to admire him. In other words, you can get over an affair with a narcissist and find a healthy romantic relationship, but like that flashlight battery, he will just keep going and going and going and going on to someone new.

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Differences Of Normal And Problem Flirting

Sometimes flirting is nothing more than normal social interaction. Other times it is a sign of a larger issue.

Normal Flirting

Relationship experts and anthropologists consider flirting to be a normal part of human interaction. Researchers studying cultures around the world find flirting in every corner of the globe. It’s simply a universal human tool of communication. Taking it back to the most basic level, we flirt in order to get a mate, reproduce and pass on our genetic material. After thousands of years of doing it, flirting has become instinctual and something that we do even when the primary objective has been met.

When someone is in a happy and stable relationship and still flirting with other people, it does not necessarily indicate a problem. Your partner may flirt with other women because it makes him feel young and attractive. He may do it just because it’s fun to interact with others in a playful manner. Maybe it was his charming nature that drew you to him in the first place. It does not necessarily mean he is looking for an affair or that he has a problem with sex addiction.

Flirting As Part Of A Bigger Problem

While for most people flirting is an innocent, harmless and normal way to interact with others, for some, it can be an indicator of a deeper problem. Someone with a sex addiction typically engages in more than one unhealthy behavior to an obsessive degree. Flirting may be one of these. Other problem behaviors can include using online pornography, interacting with women online in an inappropriate way, or sending sexual texts (sexting).

So How Can You Tell If Your Partner’s Flirting Is Normal Or A Sex Addiction Behavior?

Be aware of your partner’s other behaviors. One aspect of sex addiction is a preoccupation with anything sexual. Flirting is a way of interacting with people that makes sense if sex is always on his mind. Other ways in which he may show this preoccupation are by making sexual jokes, constantly eyeing other people, or talking too much about sex and appearance.

Sex addicts are compulsive about their behavior. 

If you ask your partner to be less flirtatious because it bothers you and he can’t comply, he could have a problem. If he is not a sex addict and is just an outgoing and flirty person, he should be able to tone it down to make you feel more comfortable. Another sign of sex addiction, especially in someone who flirts a lot, is low self-esteem. Many sex addicts feel unworthy, and flirting is a way to feel more desirable.

Talk With Your Partner – Professional Help May Be Required

You may not be able to fully determine whether your partner is a sex addict without professional help. But if you are worried about it, start by talking to him. If he hears your concerns, accepts them as valid, and changes his behavior, you’re probably not living with a sex addict. If he can’t change his ways, ask him to see a specialist with you. An expert in relationships and sex addiction can help you work through the situation.

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After he entered rehabilitation for what he called “personal issues,” James appeared on ABC’s Nightline to explain his behavior. He said that his father had physically and emotionally abused him throughout his childhood and that “I’ve never had a real chance to be a kid. I was always scared.” During rehab, he learned that he self-sabotaged his success and marriage because “I believed I was not good enough.”

Some people took James’ explanation as a way of not “manning up” to what he had done. Yet psychologists who study men who endure abusive childhoods would probably agree that James was not being self-serving but rather that he was telling the truth. The public reaction that he was “whiny” or self-serving is typical and part of the reason why men are very reluctant to be open about their childhood abuse and how it affects their current relationships.

An abused boy has been told over and over again how worthless he is and that he doesn’t deserve anything to make him happy, such as a marriage to a desirable and wholesome woman. When he does enter a good relationship, he feels inadequate and may sabotage it by cheating — especially with someone who does not seem to measure up with his current partner. His abusive parent or caretaker taught him how to be overly critical of himself until self-criticism became a defining part of his personality, ultimately destroying all his relationships in general and his romantic relationships in particular.

Abused men have higher levels of psychopathology and higher rates of depression, both of which are correlated with higher rates of romantic infidelity. If the man was sexually abused as a child, he might have learned how to devalue sex and this, in turn, creates another set of problems in his marriage.

Abused boys also learn to do away with their emotions by a process psychologists call dissociation or numbing. They are unable to trust loved ones enough to open up emotionally and become vulnerable — both of which are necessary for true intimacy.

These men can usually master the beginning stages of love that are about infatuation and excitement, but once the relationship transitions into something more mature, the trouble begins. If a man’s father was unfaithful to his mother, his chances of being unfaithful to his wife particularly increase.

If his father was the abuser, a man could grow up to be an abuser himself. These men have extreme difficulty confronting feelings of helplessness and vulnerability that they felt when they were being abused as children and take the role of the abuser to feel powerful and in control.

On the other hand, an abused man will sometimes pick partners who remind him of his abusive parent or caretaker. The drama, criticism, and emotional intensity of the relationship are at his comfort level because they are so familiar.

If you are a man who cheats because you have unresolved childhood issues, your situation will not improve until you address your painful history. If you are a woman who’s involved with a man who is sabotaging your relationship through infidelity, you may need to seek professional help. Damaged people can do damage to other people. Yet it is also true that damaged people can change and that life always offers a choice to become the person you were meant to become.

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Most people never forget it, and many adults wonder from time to time what happened to the person who once transformed their life.

Dr. Aaron Ben Zeev, an expert on Internet relationships, said that people want to find their first loves because they idealize the past and are longing for circumstances that no longer exist.

They are also just curious. They are hopeful that if they find that person, the outcome will be better than the first time around. Instead of breaking up, true love will last a lifetime.

Part of the reason we so idealize our first love is that research shows people remember any event that occurred when they were between 10 and 30 years old more intensely and more vividly than at other times in their lives.

Things that happen in our formative years become part of our personal mythology. The first time we fall in love, according to author Thomas Lewis, has a once-in-a-lifetime intensity, and the longing for that person can last for years.

Dr. Nancy Kalish is probably the foremost expert in the world on looking up old lovers. After looking up her own first love as a young adult, she became fascinated by the whole process, wrote her Ph.D. thesis on it, and has studied the phenomenon for over 20 years now.

She says that in the 1990s, it was rare for a person to be able to locate a lost love, although many tried. Only 30% of these “rekindlers” were married.

Today the Internet has changed everything. Websites like Classmates.com with its 60 million members or Reunion.com with its 34 million make it easy to find anyone from your past, and there are even websites designed specifically to do the job like lostlover.com.

According to Dr. Kalish, many times, people are casually surfing the net and find a lost love on a whim, and then meet that person that same day.

The problem is today that 82% of “rekindlers” are married. The usual sequence of events is that rekindlers e-mail one another, meet for coffee, and land up in a hotel room, according to Dr. Kalish.

One of her studies of 1600 people who looked up lost loves found that 62% ended up having sex. Dr. Ben Zeev believes it is easier for rekindlers to do just that because if a couple had sex in the past, they perceive the new sex as “less sinful” than a new extramarital affair.

That first reunion is often powerful and intense because the hope and connection can be profound on the part of both the man and woman involved. Dr. Kalish’s research indicates that rekindled romances can have happy endings.

She studied 1000 people ages 18 to 95 years old who found old lovers and found 75% were still together ten years later. Among those who married, the divorce rate was only 1.5%.

Whether the romance works out usually depends upon why the couple broke up in the first place when they were young. If outside forces made them break up – such as disapproving parents or that they were too young to get married – they are more likely to stay together.

However, if they had personality traits that were irritating or had vast differences in values, these problems tend to resurface and break them apart after their reunions.

Believe it or not, it is common for a “rekindler” to have a dream about a past lover and then to interpret the dream as a message that they need to find that person.

Dr. Kalish has only one word of advice for anyone who decides to look up a past love for whatever reason.

“I wouldn’t touch it if I were married,” she says.

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