In the 21st century, that is a quaint and distant memory, and pornography of every imaginable type is at any Internet users’ fingertips. Given this significant change in the accessibility of pornographic images, movies, erotic literature, and services, couples might find themselves confronted with the task of figuring out the role of porn in their relationships. Does it have a role? What should that role be in healthy relationships?

What is a Healthy Relationship?

For the purposes of this discussion, relationships in which both partners care about each other’s health and safety: both emotional and physical. Healthy, within this context, means there is no abuse, coercion, manipulation, or ill will being harbored by either partner for any reason. There is a reasonably open and honest communication style, and both partners want to be with each other and to enjoy the relationship in all ways: emotional, sexual, social, etc.

What is Porn, Anyway?

It sounds pretty absurd, but it bears a moment of scrutiny. Pornography is incredibly varied in content and style. Despite being illegal, images of children are readily available, as are images or videos of people of nearly all ages, races, or gender performing sexual acts of all types with the same wide range of partners. What is fairly consistent among pornographic images or videos is that because they are designed to arouse their audience, they are fictional or unrealistic. 

Any boring moments or efforts that don’t result in explosive orgasms are edited out. Photoshop enhances what nature or surgery did not provide. These images or films are entertainment and are crafted to entertain in a very specific way. Perhaps this is part of what makes pornography fun or appealing for some people – watching a video or looking at images can be an escape from real-life partners and real-life concerns.

Potential Problems

One potential problem for men might be regarding expectations. If a young man, for example, has been exposed to pornography as an introduction to sexuality, he might have unrealistic expectations about his own body and performance as well as his partner’s. This can lead to feeling shame or extreme shyness if he feels that he doesn’t measure up. Unrealistic expectations about what “normal” sex acts are and what most couples have in their repertoire are also possible. This can also lead to disappointment with intimacy when it doesn’t mirror what the movie showed.

Another potential problem can develop in part due to the drabness real-life intimacy may seem to offer compared to the movies. Some people start to prefer the online version. This can lead to obsession, isolation, and behavior that looks like an addiction.

We’ve all read in the news about people who have lost jobs due to spending time on pornographic websites during the workday, on work computers. This type of “consumption” of pornography is clearly problematic and requires treatment.

The third potential problem is that depending upon the images, stories, or movies being watched. There may be subtle or not-so-subtle messages about the role of women (both sexually and societally) that are either unhealthy or downright damaging. Rape fantasy images are common in pornography, as are other images demeaning or dangerous to positive relationships. Any pornography that advocates or glorifies violence could be problematic in this regard.

Potential Plusses

Wait! Some couples report that watching porn or reading erotica, either together or separately, enhances their sex life. They report more intimacy and greater satisfaction with their sex lives and report that pornography is just one facet of their vibrant and healthy sexual relationship.

For some couples, enjoying porn together is just that: an activity that is enjoyed together. For other couples, enjoying porn alone can increase a flagging libido and lead to more frequent intimacy. The major key in both cases is that the couple is aware of each other’s interest in porn and the use of porn occurs within the context of the relationship: it isn’t a secret and lacks all the trappings of infidelity. The goal in both instances is increased pleasure as a couple – increased intimacy, fun, and satisfaction for both partners.

Not all people are comfortable revealing their interest in pornography, but many people are indeed at least curious if not aroused by some form of sexual images or videos. Explore with your partner what might be pleasing or interesting for both of you, and proceed with awareness and caution. If it isn’t fun or enjoyable for both of you, you might want to skip it. But if it is, you may find your relationship enriched and deepened by the profound intimacy and love that a deeply satisfying sexual relationship can promote.

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The many wars around the world, including those in Afghanistan and Iraq, have led to an epidemic of porn abuse among military personnel. While an estimated 10 percent of civilians suffer from pornography addiction and other forms of sexual addiction, Navy Lt. Michael Howard, a licensed therapist, chaplain, and sex addiction specialist, believes the statistic among military personnel is closer to 20 percent, according to a March 31, 2010 article in The Army Times.

Modern technology, including sexual chat rooms, smartphone apps, and sexting, is bringing an unprecedented variety of explicit sexual content into the average American household, further exacerbating the problem.

The Progression of Pornography Addiction

Even though pornography is officially banned and blocking software is installed on military computers, military personnel is bringing home more than war stories and badges of honor, but also unrelenting porn habits.

A former U.S. Marine named Alex shares his story of recovery from pornography addiction on his blog, Feed the Right Wolf. 

A pornography habit that started at age 10 spiraled out of control when he returned from Iraq. Within two years, he was watching porn eight hours a day and couldn’t stop. In June 2011, Alex’s blog attracted its 200,000th visitor – a milestone he attributes to a lack of information available on the issue of pornography addiction.

Pornography use often begins with a spark of curiosity. Perhaps Dad leaves a magazine lying around or a friend raves about a hot new website. But like drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, and other substances and behaviors that trigger the reward circuitry in the brain, curiosity can quickly turn into an obsession.

“Online porn is to sex addiction what crack cocaine is to drug addiction,” said Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S, internationally known sex addiction expert and founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles.

Just as brain scans of cocaine users show heightened arousal when using cocaine, sex addicts’ brains light up when viewing pornography, Weiss explains. A concoction of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, and dopamine, the “feel good” chemical in the brain, leads some to crave more of the experience and compulsively seek it out.

Some people are able to view pornography without losing control, but others find that one or two encounters prompt a desire for more unusual experiences, sometimes escalating to use of violent images or child porn, hooking up websites, cybersex with strangers, and other risky or illegal behaviors. Despite the shame and disgust they feel, they remain inexplicably drawn to continue these behaviors.

Military Marriages Affected by Porn

As pornography addiction increases, so do divorce rates. A study by Syracuse University researchers found that military veterans are about twice as likely to have extramarital sex as married non-veterans and nearly 10 percent more likely to have gotten divorced than non-veterans. 

“Spouses need a lot of validation. They need a lot of support. It’s OK for them to be so angry and so frightened,” Weiss told The Army Times. “It’s OK for them to throw him out and demand counseling.”

While not all marriages survive pornography addiction, Weiss says about 80 percent of the couples he sees end up working it out. In couples counseling, spouses can work on restoring trust and rebuilding intimacy, while the porn addict develops healthier ways to cope.

Treatment for Pornography Addiction

Because of the subject’s sensitive nature, pornography addiction is rarely addressed openly among civilians or veterans. While the threat of drug addiction is well-known, very few veterans are warned about the dangers of pornography addiction and other forms of sex addiction. Fortunately, a number of sex addiction specialists are working to change that.

“Despite being a touchy subject, the rise of sexual addiction in the military is an important issue and one worthy of an open dialogue,” says Weiss, who assists the military in setting up sex addiction treatment programs around the world.

Those who cannot stop abusing pornography, chat rooms, smartphone apps and other outlets for inappropriate sexual behaviors despite negative consequences may have developed an addiction. Other signs include leading a “secret life,” giving up interests or neglecting responsibilities to view porn, irritability or lack of concentration when unable to access porn, and lying about online activities.

In addition to education about the dangers of pornography addiction, treatment typically includes individual and group therapy, 12-Step meetings, and couples counseling when appropriate. Getting support from other recovering sex addicts helps people recognize that they are not alone and that treatment is the path to a richer, more fulfilling life.

Helping Our Nation’s Armed Forces

The people on the front lines defending our country are suffering extreme emotional pain, often in silence. While there’s a great amount of support for the physical wounds of war, there is very little for emotional wounds, particularly those that are acted out in “forbidden” ways. Just as we would lend a hand to the soldier nursing a combat injury, it’s time to treat mental health disorders and addictions with the same sense of urgency and compassion.

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There is wide disagreement on this topic so we look to show a different perspective. Here’s a couple questions to ask yourself.

Is porn getting in the way of you desiring your partner? Or do you watch porn AND have a great sex life where both of you are satisfied? Do you watch porn by yourself or together? Do you watch porn alone and lie about it to your partner?

These are all important questions to consider. But our overall take, is that watching porn can even help you make your sex life better if you look at it as an education. It can also spice up your sex life if you when things get dull.

Being on the same page and setting the rules with your partner is essential, but here’s what we suggest.

Have the Conversation Before It’s Too Late

Don’t know the rules concerning porn in your own relationship? Well, if it’s not a topic that you and your partner have ever addressed, the best way to get a clear answer is to ask.

It may not be a very comfortable topic of conversation for many people, but it’s almost certain to be more comfortable than the conversation that would happen if your partner discovered you had been watching porn and felt hurt and betrayed.

For some folks, porn is not just unacceptable in the context of a relationship but in any context. They may view porn as unhealthy or exploitative, but whatever their specific points of view, they are definitely not going to be OK with their partners watching a little porn on the side.

You should also consider your own behavior when you are trying to decide whether watching porn is acceptable in your own relationship. Suppose you tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with it but are also careful to make sure that your partner never finds out about it.

Or, suppose that you are reluctant to give up watching porn yourself but are also extremely uncomfortable with the idea of your partner watching porn. These are signs that you need to either clear the air or leave porn out of your relationship altogether.

If You Cross a Known Boundary, It’s Cheating

Whatever your own attitude toward pornography, your partner is perfectly justified in considering porn to be off limits and in considering any violation of this boundary to be infidelity.

If you were truly unaware of your partner’s disapproval, you might reasonably argue that your partner ought to give you another chance as long as you are willing to respect this boundary in the future. But again, it’s rare that someone is completely clueless about a partner’s attitude toward pornography and had no idea that they might cause a partner pain.

Furthermore, even a situation of true ignorance on both sides prior to the painful reveal can require a long process of healing and recovery. In addition to anger and hurt, victims of infidelity often struggle with their self-esteem and feelings of security in the relationship.

However much you may feel that you did nothing wrong, failing to support your partner during this process and to do what is necessary to help him or her regain trust, security and self-confidence is a sure way to kill off your relationship for good.

For some couples, watching pornography separately or together is a way to make a relationship more erotic and to talk about what the other finds exciting. However, it is critical to remember that not everyone feels this way, and that ultimately the boundaries that you establish with your partner have to be your guide.

If you knowingly cross those boundaries, then there is no getting away from the fact that you are committing infidelity.

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